I do not understand why I am writing this, nor do I know what to call it. But I do know you will read these words, and you will think what you will think. I don't really mind, I was writing this for myself, as a journal type thing, but then I thought about putting it on my blog, and obviously I decided to do so. I don't know why I thought about posting it, these are things I never speak with anyone but myself about, so to have that strange thought jump into my head, I knew it was a sign that someone might need to read this. And I needed to post this.
I might take this down, I might change it, I might leave it be.
I was reading poems by Bradley Hathaway today. He talks about Jesus sometimes, and the way he likes to hear from Him. Bradley talks about how he feels when Jesus is silent. He talks about needing a bear hug sometimes, but that's another thing entirely. Anyway, while I was reading these things, I was made aware of the fact that I'm full of contradictions, (almost painfully so). I will explain.
I sometimes feel fraud-esq talking of my love for Christ. I want everyone to know about this desire I have for Him, yet when I really think about it, I get scared. I am not ashamed of Jesus, I do not worry about what people will think when they hear I serve the Lord, I am not afraid of other peoples thoughts on the manner. I do however, feel unworthy to speak of such knowing that things I have done scream something else. How can I proclaim Christ lives within me, that my heart seeks only Him, when my actions say otherwise at times?
My heart hurts because of this. As much as I try to turn away from bad habits, to shut out the darkness, rid myself of evil thoughts; they still exist within me. I gossip and lie. I do things I should not do. I am not perfect, and I can't even hope to be perfect.
So people talk of Salvation as a one time deal. They see the error of their ways, accept Jesus, and their lives changes instantly. I kind of think my journey has played out in a different way. I do not remember when an exact moment I came to Christ. For a long time I hated myself because of this.
I can't lie, and say the moment I accepted Christ into my heart I changed my life, and the bad stuff went away. The bad things are still there. It is still a struggle every day to do the right thing, to make healthy decisions. I'm still learning more about this whole thing, and learning how important it is. And I still mess it up, all the time I mess it up!
But in grace I have found forgiveness and hope. And even though I am a complete train wreck at times, I know that I love Jesus more than anything I could ever dream to love. I truly believe Christ has a purpose for my life, that I am not a mistake, I am not forgotten, I am special. I am created, nurtured, and loved by One greater than any other.
My life is my own, but I choose to let Jesus be the Lord of it. I know that even though I can't hear or see Him. I feel Him, I feel Him inside of me, I feel the way I have become new through Him. I am warm, and hopeful because I am not hopeless to Him.
No matter where this journey takes me, no matter what hardships I endure, the pain I see, no matter the price I pay, I am lucky to say I serve Jesus.
I am delighted knowing I will someday meet the One who pulled me through so many lonely nights and desperate times. Someday I will walk and talk with Him. I will know things I never knew I never knew. I will understand why certain people died. I will fully see the big picture, how God used the lives of those close to me, as well as my own for His purposes. I will see the life I lived, from beginning to end. And I will be both happy and sad. I will see the mess I made of it, and the way Jesus changed me.
